


Under My Skin

by Leviathanstongue



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Content, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:21:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24996775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leviathanstongue/pseuds/Leviathanstongue
Summary: Jonathan has come face to face with his feelings toward a patient. He's doing his best to take it gracefully.Tags to be added as chapters are posted.
Relationships: Jonathan Crane/Original Male Character(s)
Kudos: 8





	1. Collar Full

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter isn't really smut, so much as an inner look at how Jonathan handles finding out he's attracted to a man. Internalised homophobia and anxieties about sex, both stemming from childhood, lead him to not having any experience sexually so. He's a bit of a wreck. And also this chapter ends on a sad pining note.
> 
> I also HC that he suffered childhood sexual abuse and he has DID as a result of that and Granny Keeny's abuse. Scarecrow being his alter so there will be Scarecrow-centric chapters.
> 
> May be OOC, but like I self ship w him and this is a self indulgent mess. Have fun! If you can lmao

Sharp gasps, followed by desperate panting. The sound of his overhead fan running was soothing as it drowned him out, only noticed when the chains would clack together in the motions. Motions. Jonathan's thumb squeezed lightly onto his shaft, slowly running it up and down as a shiver ran up his body. His imagination ran wild, short clips of his hands roaming his patient's soft skin. His patient's honey-sweet voice hitching and--. Jonathan finds his hand's pace quicken, his panting turn to unceremonious moans. A small stuttering from his lips he had no control over. HIS name. It was just a name. It was just a crush that he tried to convince himself would fade in time. But in this moment, HE was all Jonathan wanted.

_This is okay. This isn't immoral. It's healthy to explore your body and feelings._ Jonathan's eyes began to water in frustration, no amount of self-reassurance could be enough for all he endured in his younger years. _It's okay to be a man who loves another man. It's okay to want intimacy._ It's not enough! Jonathan begs himself to return to the fantasy, to please ignore the intrusive guilts laden in his mind. 

Jonathan's thoughts pry themselves to return to the story. Hands fixed on Blue's hips, their lips meet as he presses his body into his partner's. Yes, Blue. It's okay to say his name. It's okay. He begins with soft grinding thrusts, running his tip over Blue's clit. A satisfying and warm moan greets Jonathan with every shared movement.

_Is it okay to see Blue with a clit and not a dick? Was that insensitive?_ Jonathan certainly couldn't ask. He'd never speak of this, ever, if he had his way. Oh no, he's doing it again. Please. Back to the story. 

Blue's moans turned to begging, he wanted Jonathan right now. He runs his fingers down Blue's face, watching his expression. From playful to desperate, begging. Blue only wanting him. Jonathan's hand quickened again. He could hear himself over the white noise in his room. It made him feel dirty. But the thought of being wanted so deeply threw him over the edge, it was what he really wanted from this man he'd been treating for the past months. Tears pricked his eyes thinking about how he was the desperate one here. Pleasing himself to the thought of being wanted in a way he had no business asking for.

Despite the surge of heartache, Jonathan came to the imagined sounds of Blue moaning his name and pleading for more of him. As the high of his orgasm settled down, real tears began to fall silently down his cheeks. Soiled, dirty, broken Jonathan. Slowly he rose to wash himself off.

The shower didn't make him feel any cleaner no matter how hard he scrubbed. Nor how hot the water. Jonathan's skin was turning read from the scalding heat, breathing shallow from the thick air of steam. He knew what this felt like, something of the flashback and panic attack sort. It wasn't something new to him, but it made him think further on his broken state. To this point he knew he would never tell Blue his true feelings. No reason to cut their therapy sessions if he wasn't going to pursue this further, so he can continue to help this man he's growing closer to admitting to himself that he loves.

Jonathan pulls the towel from the rack as he turns off the water, lightly patting himself off and heading towards his bed. His fingers ran over the blanket, feeling the need to sink into the sheets' comfort. He pulls the sheets over himself as he slips into bed. The familiar warmth was the end of his stoicism, Jonathan began to sob into his hands.


	2. Do I Wanna Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scarecrow gets drunk a few days after the event of the last chapter and sends a risky message.

Nails freshly painted black, hair still damp from a late night shower, Scarecrow sat slumped in front of their laptop. A bottle of Jack Daniel's and the vial of nail polish sat next, along with a cup he was currently nursing. His fingers moved to hover over the keyboard then quickly retracted. The blinking text line mocked him and Scarecrow's patience with himself grew thinner and thinner. He needed to be more drunk for this, he reasoned. Regrettably.

One drink. Still can't form the words on the tips of his fingers. Second drink, and he's got the first opening sentences. Forth. A pause as he messily dries his newly red dyed hair. Fifth. The words are falling from his hands desperately now, though the world feels as though it's moving below his chair.

"Dear-' No.

"Dearest," yes.

"Dearest Blue, I have a lot I've been wanting to tell you. I'm anxious to hear your reply! I must get this out to you afore I lose my nerve."

Good opening, Scarecrow thinks to himself as he reads it back to himself. Now thoroughly drunk, he continues the email.

"I cant beleve yuo exist? So beutifil. Its increasngly dificult to look at you when y ou come fr youe sessons.I thnk i loev you."

"i relly thk your e prfect do yu knw th at ?"

"soeties i dram abiut ypu its sp nucw."

Good, good, he thinks. Though Scarecrow could barely keep his eyes open, he kept typing until it became a wall of text. Barely legible by the end and laden with typos, he tried his best to fix it up before sending it out. Slowly, carefully, he lifts himself from his chair and barely makes it to his bed without falling over. Scarecrow's eyes began to shut involuntarily, room still fully lit since he forgot to turn off the overhead lights. He couldn't care, he was warm and the bed was soft. He drifted happily knowing he got all of his feelings out, content.

An alarm buzzes unbearably loud, coming from Jonathan's phone. He picks it up to see he'll be late to the office if he doesn't quickly get ready, but the hangover is obvious. A migraine. Slowly, Jonathan looks up to see the bottle of Jack Daniels. Beside it his laptop half closed. He cursed Scarecrow and closed his eyes. Until a notification buzzed on his phone. He groans and lifts it back up to see he has a new email. From Blue. Jonathan's eyes widen with fear as he shoots up to open the message.

"Heya, Dr. Crane! Are you doing okay? This reads like a drunk text lmao. I don't know if it's okay to say, but I love you too! You're so sweet, but I hardly understand the rest of your email. Please drink some water, and maybe you should call in sick today? Just a thought. Again, so sweet! Please take care of yourself.

Love, Blue."

Jonathan lays his head in his hand and curses even louder at his alter.

"Dear Blue,

Please disregard that message, I did drink far too much last night. I don't know what I was thinking or why I sent that. Must have been the alcohol. I hope this has not sullied your respect for me.

Dr. Crane"

Ding. A fast response.

"Of course not!! There's not a part of you I could lose respect for. Again, please take care of yourself.

P.S. I think you're beautiful too!"

Jonathan's face heated up until it was unbearable. "Jesus Christ, I'll kill him."


	3. Blinding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scarecrow gets a small dose of his own fear toxin and it's gotten him feeling himself, literally.

Scarecrow's fingers ran through his own hair, grabbing the tufts between them. His breath came out heavy and laboured, peppered by soft moans. He lay halfway against the bed's headboard as his other hand was desperately run up and down the shaft.

In his mind, he could only see the most sickeningly sweet fantasies that plagued him since his mishap at the lab but a few nights ago. Scarecrow imagined climbing into Blue's apartment window, gently waking the man, and confessing all of his feelings. Blue would then pull him in and tell him that they'd felt the same. They'd cup his face. A kiss. Only to be pulled closer, body against body until it was clear that they wanted more. He'd run his right hand up Blue's shirt. Their skin would be warm to the touch, and soft. He'd not felt another's skin that way, at least not in a context he'd be happy to remember. Scarecrow would then run his left hand down their underwear, gently rubbing the surface. Warmer still. He'd roll the palm of his hand over their clit, slowly. Agonisingly. They'd kiss him again, nipping sweetly at his lip, before pushing the kiss deeper. A low whimper as he removes his hand, as he lovingly removes their underwear. The kind is not important, though he likes to imagine them in lingerie.

Scarecrow's fingers find themselves slipping under Blue's thighs, separating them, as he inserted himself between their legs. But not any further. No, this had to be done slowly. Progressively. They had to feel adored. His right hand would rise to the side of their head, catching the sensation of their delicate hair, before running down their cheek. Rubbing his thumb there, ever so softly, over their cheek, he would lean in for another kiss. As Blue makes a contented noise, he'd position his tip over their clit and rub circles into it.

This was already too much, Scarecrow thought as he soon found himself on the brink of cumming. The entire idea of it. Just visiting Blue one night, unannounced. The reciprocated feelings. It all made the fear toxin running through his veins feel more intense, what was something he'd never experienced before that could be so uniquely terrifying?

The fear of intimacy, the fear of being known. The fear of displaying your vulnerability to the one person you so admire.

It made sense.

The fear should be a hindering response, but it only made him desperate for more. Scarecrow wanted to go further, to go through with this fantasy.

He continued the scene, slowly thrusting his hips so that his tip ran up and down against Blue's clit. Soon Scarecrow would pull their legs up over his shoulders, sliding inside of them gently. Maybe a gasp from their pretty lips. He'd grunt at the first few pumps, softening into breathy moans as the warmth and pressure close in on the length of his dick. Scarecrow knew he was close, he wanted to finish with them. He would move their legs back to his side and let them wrap around him as he lowered to kiss Blue. His thrusts would grow more erratic, listening to his partner's muffled pleas for satisfaction. They'd beg. They'd call out his name. Tell him how good he feels. It was too much, they'd cum together. Kissing. The thought of bringing Blue to orgasm was the final push he needed as Scarecrow came undone, spilling over his hand. Slowly, deeply, he breathed.

"You're rather shameless, aren't you?" A judgmental tone from Jonathan deeper within.

"So I am. You have no room to chastise me, Jonathan. I know you want the same thing." Momentary quiet within. Scarecrow rose from bed to wash his hand from the cum. Though he considered a shower, he knew it would have led to another session of self gratification.

"We have an antidote to the toxin."

"What's the fun in that? I'm enjoying myself, much unlike yourself." Jonathan scoffed at this.

"'Fun' is pining after a man we can't have? It's wrong."

"We would have known if he loved us as well if you hadn't told him my confession was drunken nonsense, wouldn't we?" Scarecrow grew agitated, drying his hands on the towel before returning to their laptop.

"It **was** drunken nonsense."

"I'll give you drunken nonsense, Jonathan." Scarecrow smiled as he poured another glass of whiskey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear to god these boys. I am building a theme of shameless truth from Scarecrow and shameful silence from Jonathan, but this will grow to be more quickly. Probably next chapter. I want to build on the repression bits and flesh out Jonnie's trauma :3c


End file.
